I
am
disconnected
from
everyone
and
everything.
Connecting means feeling.
Feeling hurts too much.
***
A lot of people don't realize that eating disorders aren't just about being skinny. Losing weight is certainly a factor, but what drives an eating disorder is much deeper. Among the various reasons, one common root is a desperate compulsion to numb.
That has been my experience. My eating disorder has been incredibly effective at numbing me from my pain. In fact, for me, nothing numbs better than going hungry.
If I can ignore my body's basic cries for survival, then I can ignore anything.
Starving on purpose gives me a strange mix of disconnect and empowerment, along with fear and imprisonment.
When numbing is what drives the eating disorder, opening that door to reconnection with your body in recovery is terrifying. At treatment centers, many people sit at the table sobbing over the plates of food they have to eat.
It's heartbreaking.
But it also makes sense because reconnecting with your body means reconnecting with your feelings, and that usually means reconnecting with feelings you've been running from.
Feeling hurts so damn much.
It's tempting to keep that door tightly sealed, even if it means dying of starvation.
However, I'm learning that the problem with numbing is that when you numb pain, you also numb everything. When you disconnect from your body, you also disconnect from everyone around you. And when you run from feelings, you also run from relationships.
It's frustrating that you can't selectively numb.
So, while my eating disorder gave me a delirious high of disconnect that nothing else can match, and recovery has forced me to face debilitating pain that nothing else can match, I'm beginning to believe that connecting and healing is worth it. After all, I get to connect with my kids, with Anthony, with friends, with family, with nature, with God... and I'm learning to connect with myself.
And those connections make living - and eating - worth the pain.
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